Why Do I Dislike Oprah So Much?

I've been pondering this age old question, especially in recent weeks, now that the Color Pious is no longer sending forth decrees from on high every weekday at 4 in that place of honor between Let's Make a Deal and Inside Edition.
  I don't blame you, Oprah (at least not entirely.) I realized my issue is not so much with Oprah, but with her insanely inflated place in society. Oprah shouldn't make you cry. She doesn't belong on the five dollar bill. I don't care who she thinks should be president. That book she just told you to read? It won the Pulitzer Prize 50 years ago. All those life changing epiphanies she's sharing with you either come directly from freshmen English or the keychain you uses to open house number 27. Beef was bad for you a decade before Oprah was a woman on a mission with a persecution complex.
   See, I think what bothers me is not that there's anything wrong with Oprah, it's that there's nothing special about her either. Yet so many otherwise smart, self aware people are ready to sprinkle holy water and canonize her at a moment's notice. Oprah's not your friend. She's your used car salesman. She's the traveling preacher "healing" the guy in the wheelchair and passing the plate. She gained a national platform because she had a good television show not because she was full of wisdom. She started her own television network so she could buy her dog a third Mercedes, not so the two of you could go on a journey together to find the true you.
     Kudos on the charitable work, of course that's wonderful. Just one quick thing: Most people who  give money to good causes don't usually also spring for the camera crew and Tom Hanks narration.
      You watch Oprah. I watch pro wrestling. You watch Oprah. I watch the Amazing Race and Survivor. You watch Oprah. I watch Lost and 24. It's all part of the same soup. By all means, enjoy her to the nth degree. Just please acknowledge that she does not exist on some higher plane and you'll make me feel SO much better. Oprah is not Ghandi. She's Sally Jesse Rapheal. Oprah is not Martin Luther King. She's Maury Povich. Do me one favor and next time she's imploring you to release your energy out into the universe, picture the love child of Phil Donahue and Ricki Lake with better ratings. That's all I ask.